Disclaimer: No magic trick, no inspiring talk but a tale about my journey where I am still healing.
It was magical…..it was so much that it lasted for seven years. And after that it didn’t, whatever was the reason it didn’t last for forever. So, my journey starts from here. After the breakup (I am not going to dedicate the whole paragraph to figure out reasons for breakup or bitch about him) I became numb for six months. I just could not understand what happened. It was something that I study so hard for some exam and I failed in it rather than scoring even decent marks. I was so angry. I was angry that he wasted my time. I was angry that I wasted my time still don’t know to whom to blame. I tried all random ideas or quick fix to cure my anger and disappointed. I got new haircut, I did tons of shopping, I went on many dates all with doing lab work. I worked so hard that it took toll on my health. I became sick for like 2 months, my performance in my work went down and so my scholarship. It was a wakeup call for me but unfortunately I didn’t wake up. I used to call him every now and then to let out my anger or maybe I wanted to tell myself that it was not his, it was my fault. I knew I had to stop this maniac behavior. I kept myself busy but nothing means nothing did work for me. It was not just about break up it was about I believed in certain things. I stood by certain things I believed on them so strongly that I literally fought from the whole world to make it happen. But when it didn’t happen in reality I lost my confidence. I lost everything which was actually his; his friends, his relatives and his circle. My first six month went on in numbness.
I took a break from my work in the beginning of 2015, I analyzed myself where I am, what I am doing though still I was very angry but I began to calm down. I started actually taking dates as more of my experiments like I do in my lab. I used to discuss all possibility with my friends (thanks a lot to them to bear my all nonsense protocols). I am coming from a place where dating culture is almost zero, especially in my time. And when I look back at now I am surprised that how fast things are changing. But anyway I didn’t get chance and I was stuck with one person. This time I wanted to see what works for me. I made three lists.
One- choose people by their profession,
Second- choose people by their age,
Third-choose people by their hobbies.
And of course there was no place for liking, emotions and whatever. I just wanted to go out and I made my list. I started asking tips from my friends. I was doing all this to fill my empty space where there were no emotions left.
As a result I met good, bad, worse and crazy people. I was able to explore and expand my hobbies. I was juggling lots of task in 24 hours. I was enjoying travelling to all beautiful places, learning new things. I had to really calculate my time so well to manage all stuff. But still I wasn’t happy. I was feeling that I am cheating with my work. I should be working on my Sundays why am I outside and travelling? I guess that happens with every PhD student. Nevertheless, I am a person with long list of hobbies since my childhood. I always wanted (and still does) to do so many things in my life. I never knew how to do it (until now). So, I used to be very disappointed. But this anger or competition that I can go out with so many people if I was not stuck with him; pushed my limits and taught me that if I really want, it’s possible to manage things. I don’t have to blame my career choice or my education that I don’t get time to work on my personality. That was the first good lesson I got after breakup. Kudos for that.
It was a very good lesson indeed. But it also drained my all energy. I started dreaming to be perfect. I wanted to be best in everything what I pick. I wanted to be so knowledgeable in every subject, in every field. I started reading history and put my foot in genetic genealogy background. I am currently working on genomics. I wanted to know how DNA can be useful in other way. I started writing my review and sent to many journals though none of them got accepted. But overall I learned how to approach journals and editors for publication.
I started doing so many things. But in all I forgot that I need rest too. I forgot to take care of my health. I started sleeping less so that I can match with schedule of hobbies and lab work. I had this notion to be perfect. I literally started running in my life. And one day I crashed. I crashed so badly that I became sick again for next 4-5 months. And this was a wake up call for me. I was not able to move at all. I was barely able to sit. I was becoming weak and weak. Every week I went for checkups. It was nothing serious as doctor said, but may be my immunity was going down. . None of the medicine could treat me and so doctors started experimenting on me. I didn’t understand them or it was language barrier but I changed 4 doctors in such a short span. Most of their advices were related to my lifestyle, food, water intake and sleep. My sickness was related to my immunity, according to them. My all blood test was normal every test was normal but I was sick….I was so sick that I have to go for CT scan. And the Ct scan report was normal again. As a researcher I couldn’t digest it. There has to be reason. I started reading about my symptoms. I started discussing with doctors that may be u didn’t check this possibility or that one. I was eating like 20 pills a day. It was crazy time. I slowed down. I started altering my lifestyle. It began with water. I started counting that how much glasses I am drinking. I started focusing on having a stable and consistent schedule. I stopped working after midnight. I began to come home early. I began to rest. I started sleeping more and more. The thought of being perfect was slipping and I was disappointed again. Meanwhile I had constant pressure from parents and friends to get married or at least get a boyfriend. I felt like a looser. The life I have dreamt was not happening.
It took me a while to be stable again but my lifestyle changes kept me going. And one fine day I was able to figure out that how much my energy and time I have to put in my things. I made three lists again but this time they were about my hobbies, passion and work. I wrote down everything I liked, I was passionate about and what I really want to achieve professionally. I calculated my time in a year rather than in 24 hours. I assigned months to my hobbies, weekend to my passion and weekdays to my work. I developed an ‘early to bed’ and early ‘early to rise’ schedule. I started to focus on things what I want to do rather than how perfect I should do. Now, I don’t take my mistakes as failure I take them as short break and lessons.
It is beginning of 2016 and I am still continuing with my early to bed schedule. My immunity is not low now and I am working fine. I am also moving towards to make peace with my bitter experiences. I have learned also that what will work for me in my personal relationship. I have begin to feel confident again. I started finding happiness in small things. I reanalyzed myself…I wanted to do PhD, I am doing it. I wanted to live in a place where I can sit on snow….I am standing on snow actually. I wanted to pay my bills and be independent…I am doing it. I wanted to have social circle on my own…I am enhancing my social skills. So, basically I am living the kind of life I always wanted. I feel like that I have truly begin to heal now and one day I can feel warmth again.