I am a person who rather talks to people than go n write about it but I have created this tab to just update anything happening in my everyday life. It is a more of like a daily diary update where mostly I want to talk about how I am feeling in the present just to keep track of my thoughts.
Finally I feel like I am recovering from my really bad cold. It took my literally five days and sucked my all energy out. I really don’t know why I got sick again. I mean I am having healthy routine. I am eating fruits, doing swimming, drinking enough water, sleeping on time (though not following my schedule) and keeping myself warm in this bipolar weather. Anyway finally I have started feeling better from today. SO, what did I do from past five days?…nothing. Because I was in no condition to do my any work I was free and resting and I was having unnecessary thoughts which created anxiety. I was keep thinking that how much my life is unstable on every front professionally, personally and financially.
Every day I was eating head of my friends. In these five days I was trying to meet people and having the same discussion again and again that how people in science have so unstable life especially personal life. After every discussion I come to this point that it’s part of a deal to be in research. The sooner I will accept this fact the better it will be for me. However, unstable personal front was not the only point to discussion; this inevitable depression with PhD was also part of it. Every day I will try to find something positive in order to drag myself to the next 24 hours but that was not working at all because everything is always falling apart.
I have finished 2.5 years of PhD and still no paper. I am writing drafts and drafts but no improvement. My PI does not like my writing at all that makes me feel like that I don’t have ability to write things. And the whole cycle of self-doubt will start again. I was supposed to finish my PhD in next 4 months but in reality I don’t have a single paper. Where the hell I am going? I look at my friends with their happy children and here I am still struggling with a degree. Making a family is so out of syllabus for me.
I had amazing discussion with all kinds of people through this five days self-doubt cycle. But one thing really striked me out of all advices; find new thing every day to be positive about it.
Today, I am going to be positive about that finally cherry blossom has started at my place. I can see these beautiful flowers and take loads of pictures. 🙂